my wish

raising a daughter in today's world sometimes seems frightening to me. will i be able to safeguard paige from the onslaught of what the world's view of beauty is? will i be able to foster in my daughter a love for herself? a positive self image? will paige love herself because she knows that she is a daughter of God? or will she wonder where her value is and define herself by other's standards?

my wish for paige is that she will always know how beautiful she is. that she will never doubt her self worth. that she will love herself as much as i do. that she will be comfortable in her own skin and know that the beauty of her spirit is what matters most.

being the mother of a daughter has opened my eyes to the importance of loving myself too. of setting an example for paige of what is important. of learning to love my own body and self image. of being aware of what i say in relation to my body so that my daughter doesn't learn to worry about those few extra pounds or whether or not she exercised today or how many calories she has eaten or whether or not she should be dieting.

because in the end does it really matter? does my sense of worth rely on what i look like? and if it does, should it? or should i be more focused on what my Father in Heaven thinks of me? i am certain that when i see Him again, He won't notice if my hair is perfect or if i am a bit flabby or a few pounds heavier than i would like to be. he won't notice if my eyelashes are long enough or if i chew my fingernails. He will love me for me...He does love me for me.

and i want to teach my paigey that simple truth too.

hope

it has been a long while since i have blogged. can i say that we have been busy!? because summer in our house means lots of busy! traveling, boating, beaching, more traveling, more boating, and more beaching! at least the house has stayed fairly clean as we have not been inside much to mess it up! we have been having a lot of great fun with family and friends. click here if you want to see some pictures.

it has been almost 2 months since my brother and his wife had a stillborn baby boy. they named him stephen james swainson, jr. he was named after my brother. he was to be the 3rd stephen in our family - my dad and brother being the first 2. they were going to call him little steve, my brother would be big steve, and my dad would become old steve. my brother and dad were called little steve and big steve when we were growing up.

my sister in law, andrea, went in to labor a few days before her due date. she had a normal and healthy pregnancy. little steve died during labor because of placental abruption, which means that the placenta detached too soon. how my heart has ached for this little nephew that we never had the chance to meet. how my heart has ached for steve and andrea and for the sadness and grief that they feel over the death of their son. i won't say loss because he is not lost to them, or to us. he is still part of our family and i know that we will have the opportunity to be with him again. as sad as this has been for our family, we have all felt some measure of peace and hope that we will be with little steve again; that he is with our Father in Heaven, waiting for us to come home to him. and when we see him, i feel as if we will know him and it will be almost as if he was here with us all along. i look forward to that day.

that gives me hope.

i also wanted to write about one of my most dearest friends who has been bravely battling breast cancer since march. she is almost done with her chemo and then will be doing some radiation and taking oral medications for awhile. i know that i embarrass her when i tell her how much i admire her in person so i thought i would write about it here. my friend has gone through the difficult chemo process with such grace, dignity, and strength. she has lost all of her hair and almost all of her eyelashes. her eyebrows have thinned. her skin is dry and red. her face is swollen and puffy. and yet i see such beauty in her when i look at her. she is beautiful because she is strong. she is beautiful because she is brave. she is beautiful because of the strength of her spirit. she is beautiful because of her faith.

she is beautiful in all the ways that matter. and i love her.

i love her sense of humor. i love her sarcasm and wit. i love that she understands my struggles and comforts me even when mine pale in comparison to hers. i love that we don't have to talk every day to know that we care about each other and are thinking of one another. i love her smile. i love her laugh. i love the light that she shines. i love her for the hope that she gives me, knowing that we can be strong in trials and that we can do all things in Christ.

i am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and the plan that He has for us, His children. i know that there is always peace in sadness and hope in hard times because He loves us. and He has sent His Son to help us along our way.

and that gives me hope.

life - a metaphor:)

my 3 boys participated in the wasa lake kids triathalon on saturday. this was jensen and burton's second time and evan's first time and, like last year, we had a great time. i wrote about it to my brother, robert, who is currently serving a mission in the scotland/ireland mission. because i did such a good job rehashing it for him, and even managed to make a "profound" (ha!) comparison to life, i am just going to share what i wrote to him....i don't think i could manage the same brilliance (again...ha!) that i managed a few nights ago, so here it is (it also happens to be rob and andrew's 20th birthday today. hence the birthday wishes):

hey rob -

first off, i hope you had a good week - the last one in your teens!! when you get this, you will be 20!! and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! to you:) any special plans for your birthday?

the 3 boys participated in ther second (ev's first) wasa lake triathalon yesterday. it was a great day! it was so much fun to watch the boys push themselves and do something hard. it was a decent day, but as the weather has not been stellar so far this spring, the water was still freezing!! evan's age group went first. now, as you know evan, he can some times be a bit of a boob. but did he let the freezing cold water stop him? no!! it was so awesome. when the race started, he was one of the first kids to just dive in the water. they weren't in very deep water but they still weren't supposed to run to complete the swim - they had to either swim or dolphin dive - and evan kept diving in the water the whole time. after 2 or 3 jumps in the water, he came up crying. but again, that didn't stop him. i had a moment of "oh crap!" when i saw him come up crying - again, you know what evan is like. once he gets upset it isn't easy to console him. so, when i saw him start to cry, i thought that that was it - he was done. but no. he powered through it, finished the swim, biked with ease, and did his run. it was so awesome to see my little evanator complete his race and be so proud of himself for doing it! he already can't wait until next year. you would've been so proud of him rob!!

burton and jensen were in the same age group this year. they swam 150 meters, biked 5 km, and then ran 1 km. jensen did it without too much difficulty but it was really quite hard for burton. last year the water level in the lake was quite a bit lower so it was much easier for him to complete the swim. and he was also at the head of the pack when the race started. he kind of got lost in the shuffle this time - he was more at the back and couldn't touch the bottom well enough to really push his way passed anyone. as i watched him try to start the swim, he looked so lost out in the freezing cold water - almost panicked. my heart, as his mother, hurt for him! he even tried doing the back stroke just to get things started. but every time he "came up" for air or turned around to see where he was headed, he still looked panicked. so i muscled my way through some of the parents so i was closer to where burton was on the shoreline and just started cheering as loud as i could - saying, "you can do it burton!!" once he heard my voice and saw me on the shore, he didn't look so lost anyomre - the look of tears and panic disappeared and he was able to dig deep and finish the swim. after the 5 k bike, the run was also tough. when i saw burton rounding the last corner, he looked close to tears - like ke was trying so hard to keep it together. so again, i ran back to where he was and started just cheering for him. i even ran beside him for a bit. again, once he saw me there with him, cheering him on, he was able to regroup and pour on a little bit of speed to finish the race.

it made me feel so much love for my boys to be on the sidelines, cheering them on, encouraging them to do their best and to see them visibly lifted by my cheering. writing this just now, to you, made me think that this is really what life is all about. we are running our own race, trying our best to run it well. it is really hard some times. at times we want to just curl up, cry, throw in the towel and quit - because the water is too cold or the run is too long and hard. but then we hear and see our family and friends, cheering us on from the sidelines and even running beside us some times - encouraging us and reminding us that we can do it. and then there is our Savior - who is our biggest fan, who wants us to finish the race and finish it well. and he is not only cheering us on but he is always there, running beside us. the whole way. he not only ran his own race but is running our race with us too.

so, rob, when you are over in scotland and ireland serving your mission and it gets hard, remember that we, your family, are there for you. look to the shoreline and you will see us there - cheering you on, encouraging you, and reminding you that you can do this. and we will be there, running beside you and helping you finish your race - always.

i love you my brother!! have a great birthday and know that i am thinking of you today and always!

love jen

brotherly love....?

this is jensen and burton and yes, they are holding hands. but, before you get the wrong idea, maybe i should tell you that..............

they were in trouble.

we were hiking up by fairmont and i was tired of them being snarky and impatient with one another. after jensen pushed burton and burton shoved him back, i made them hold hands for part of the walk. then i made them look at each other, say "i love you," and hug.

funny how making them love each other was a punishment:)

ponderings

one of my closest friends was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. she will be 31 next month. i admire her strength, her beauty, and her courage in the face of this scary diagnosis. although her prognosis is good, she has a difficult path ahead of her. and i know her faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ, will carry her through this trial in her life. i am grateful for her example of faith in the atonement of our Savior. it has led me to reflect on my own faith and testimony. i have always enjoyed general conference. and i especially enjoyed conference just a few weeks ago. i found the talks very inspiring and listening to the speakers made my own testimony burn within me. and i was very thankful for the powerful assurance i received that i do know that Jesus is the Christ, our Savior and Redeemer. in sharing my thoughts, i would quote the words of one of my favorite talks from this month's general conference. it is a talk given by elder kent f. richards. he said... "i have pondered about the purpose of pain. none of us is immune from experiencing pain. i have seen people cope with it very differently. some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God...elder orson f. whitney wrote, 'no pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. it ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility...it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.'" elder richards also said... "opposition is part of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness. we all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father's love and of our need for the Savior's help. the Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face...president henry b. eyring taught, 'it will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior's promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us...and faith in that power will give us patience to pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.'...as elder dallin h. oaks taught, 'healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden. but sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.' all that will come may be 'clasped in the arms of Jesus.' all souls can be healed by His power. all pain can be soothed. in Him we can find 'rest unto our souls.' our mortal circumstances may not immediately change but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His healing balm." this talk by elder richards really struck home with me. i struggle. i worry. i fear. and although these things have not always been taken from me through faith and prayer, i have always, always been given the strength and peace to work through them and learn and grow from them. i have never been left without the comfort of our Savior - comfort that will come to all who call on His name. with easter weekend coming soon, i also wanted to share the poem that president monson shared in his closing remarks of this april's conference. it is a poem written by emily harris: the linen which once held Him is empty. it lies there, fresh and white and clean. the door stands open. the stone is rolled away, and i can almost hear the angels, singing His praises. linen cannot hold Him. stone cannot hold Him. the words echo through the empty limestone chamber, "He is not here." the linen which once held Him is now empty. it lies there, fresh and white and clean and oh, hallelujah, it is empty. just thought i would share.

murmuring

that's what i have been doing a lot of lately - complaining, griping, and murmuring. as i was sitting here, reading other people's blogs, i started feeling ashamed and embarrassed for my lack of gratitude and thanks for the plethora of things that make my life wonderful. i thought it would be beneficial for me to take a few minutes and think about things in a different light.

i am grateful for an untidy house because it means i have kids to clean up after.

i am grateful for dishes that never seem to get done because it means we have food to eat.

i am grateful for laundry that doesn't get folded or put away because it means we have clothes to wear.

i am grateful for a husband who helps and serves others because it reminds me of our Savior.

i am grateful for giggles and hugs and kisses.

i am grateful for i love you's and thank you's.

i am grateful for unconditional love and the promise of forever.

i am grateful for good friends even when i am not one.

i am grateful for the beauty that surrounds me.

i am grateful for my mom.

i am grateful for my dad.

i am grateful for good books that give me a break for a bit.

i am grateful for my sewing machine.

i am grateful for my camera to capture all those moments in time.

i am grateful for a husband who lifts me up and makes me stronger than i am on my own.

i am grateful for a husband who loves me for who i am (and in spite of it!)

i am grateful for this

and this

and this

and this.

i am grateful for tender mercies.

i am grateful that i can try again.

and i am most grateful for this

good for a laugh

so, i found this little tid bit online the other day - i think it was on a friend of a friend's blog - and had to share. i must admit that my mothering life is not quite this hectic (yet!!!)...but pretty close! i often say that if our husbands only knew........

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES: 6 married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 2 kids each for 6 weeks. each kid will play 2 sports and take either music or dance classes. there is no fast food. each man must take care of his 2 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete school projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills. in addition, each man will have to budget enough groceries for each week and purchase said groceries - looking for deals, sales, and coupons in an effort to be as thrifty as possible. each man must remember the birthdays of all friends and relatives and send cards out or make a phone call on time - no emailing! each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a hair cut appointment. he must make 1 unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the emergency room. he must also make cookies or cupcakes for a school function.
each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.
the men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all the chores are done.
the men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed during 1 of the 6 weeks.
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches, have extreme, unexplained mood swings, but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
they must attend weekly school meetings, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
they will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 8:30.
a test will be given at the end of the 6 weeks. each father will be required to know each child's:
birthday,
height and weight,
shoe size and clothing size,
doctor's name,
child's weight and length at birth,
time of birth and length of labor,
favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.
the kids vote the men off the island based on performance.
the last man wins ONLY IF....
he still has enough energy to be intimate with his wife at a moment's notice.
if the man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18 to 25 years, eventually earning the right to be called "mom."

now that i am done laughing, i must say that i wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world. and my wonderful husband really does do a good job of sharing the load that is our's, as parents. but still, if he only knew......